After speaking with my friend Heather, a real life submissive, I sat down with her husband and Dominant Tony to see what a real life would be. Tony has just finished reading the 50 Shades trilogy, and is quite eager to set some misconceptions aside.
Can you give us a brief bio, Tony? Sure. I’m Tony, 40 years old, a blue collar worker who lives in middle America. I’ve got a wife who is also my submissive, and a young son. I’ve been involved in BDSM for close to 20 years now. Heather is my eight submissive, and my second wife.
You don’t get into BDSM because you were abused. That’s the number one thing that I hope readers of your blog come away with. It’s not some side effect that needs to be worked through in counseling. For a lot of us, it’s our way of living and loving. – Tony, Real Life Dominant
What does being a Dominant mean to you? For me, it’s a way I can bring Heather to a state of pleasure while also giving myself an outlet for my Dominant side. I love to be in control of Heather’s desire. I love doing things to her that I know drive her wild. For us, that means I get to tie her up, arouse her into a state of near orgasm, create pain that brings her mind to a certain place, and raise her up to a level of ecstasy that only a few know. Some folks think that being a Dom means you just beat someone up and get your dick sucked whenever you want. [Laughs] Yes, it’s that sometimes, but it’s not just that. It’s like saying ice cream is frozen milk. Yes, technically that’s true, but there’s so much more that’s hard to put into words.
Were there any toys / gear / books that helped you out along the way? Not so much the items themselves, but being mentored by other Doms in their use. Really, you shouldn’t be a complete beginner, pick up a hard core riding crop, then start beating your sub. There are techniques you need to learn, signs to look out for, things you can’t learn in a book. You need to really experience them to get a full picture. There are beginner’s bondage tools. Don’t skip them thinking you know it all. Use them, learn from them, then move on to more advanced tools.
What do you think about Fifty Shades? I’m going to be completely honest. I think it may do more harm than good to the BDSM community. You don’t get into BDSM because you were abused. That’s the number one thing that I hope readers of your blog come away with. It’s not some side effect that needs to be worked through in counseling. For a lot of us, it’s our way of living and loving. Christian isn’t the way he is because of a drug addict mother, an abusive step-father figure, a Mrs Robinson or any of those singular reasons. There are people just like me who have never been through any of those sorts of traumas who end up being Dominants.
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